HAIKU #123

There's a time and place
For poetry about dongs
But not on Christmas

#decorum

HAIKU #122

Magic changes us
Casting its spells through thin air
Music is magic

I watched a movie over the weekend that I thought was surprisingly good. Then I saw online that it has gotten mostly really bad reviews. The reason, it seems, is that people don't understand what the movie is about. Without giving too much away, the movie in question is marketed as a typical Hollywood celebration of vengeance. But the actual movie is the opposite—a refreshing condemnation of it. I don't want to discuss the movie any further except to say it occurred to me that it would in fact seem like a bad movie if you didn't understand what the story was about.

Now let me repeat that thought, because I think it applies to much more than the occasional misunderstood movie. I think it often applies to life itself: It would seem like a bad movie if you didn't understand what the story was about.

Each of our lives tells a story. The thing is, more often than not it isn't the story we expect or the one we think we want. Given the choice, I think most of us would want our life to be a feel-good story of success and acceptance. We'd prefer a life that's relatively easy, productive, and fun. After all, that's what we see in the majority of popular TV shows and movies. And especially in ads.

But when you think about it, those aren't the best stories. The best, most rewarding stories are about overcoming obstacles and learning difficult lessons—often subtle, complex, counterintuitive ones. So when life seems like a bad movie, one we'd rather not watch, we should ask ourselves: What kind of story is this? What's it really about? When life fails to be the feel-good, lighthearted comedy or action movie we think we want, it could be that we're in the middle of a much better, far more rewarding story and we just don't understand it yet.

FANCY

You see their fancy things
Their fancy clothes and art
But they don't have your character
They don't have your strength of heart

You hear their fancy words
The fanciest you'll find
But they don't have your clarity
They don't have your peace of mind

You smell their fancy meals
Each fancy plate and bowl
But they don't have your elegance
They don't have your gentle soul

They see your simple ways
They feel your simple glow
But under all their fanciness
They don't have the wealth you know

HAIKU #121

Who needs OCD?
Nothing's going to explode
Oh shit! I was wrong!

STEADFAST

Once together
Once apart
Nothing changes
From the start
We just see another part
Of this winding road

Now together
Once apart
Far too eager
To be smart
In a moment we'll depart
From this episode

Once together
Now apart
We outgrew
Each other's art
I don't recognize your heart
Your feelings erode

Now together
Now apart
Till the ending
From the start
We just write another part
Of our steadfast code

HAIKU #120

People chase money
When they should chase happiness
Oftentimes it's free

HAIKU #119

On Thanksgiving Day
I want to stuff your turkey
Think about it, girl

#BALLER

HAIKU #118

We should live each day
Not as our last, but as if
We don't have a past

HAIKU #117

Swearing is tasteful
Only when it's done just right
Watch and learn, fucker

#OldMoney

HAIKU #116

When given the choice
Between orgasms and food
Lab rats starve to death

HAIKU #115
 
Some people don't see
That bad spelling can be fun
It's ova they headz

GHOST

Could've sworn I saw you
But there's no one there
Could've sworn I felt you
But it's only air

Could've sworn I heard you
Echoed through the mist
Could've sworn I were you
But I don't exist

HAIKU #114

Spiritual wealth
Knows only one currency
Good relationships

WORLDS

We occupy worlds
Because they are there
We hope that each world
Has something to share

We occupy worlds
Each chance that we get
And dream of the worlds
We haven't seen yet

We occupy worlds
It's what we do best
We soak up each culture
Then on to the rest!

We occupy worlds
And always want more
Because we grow restless
Unless we explore

We occupy worlds
With wonder and awe
Forgetting those others
We already saw

We occupy worlds
Until we go numb
And cannot remember
Which world we're from

HAIKU #113

Why I need to write
Is why you answer the phone
It's to stop the noise

HAIKU #112

Life may bring you pain
But there's reason to rejoice
One day it will end

POINT-COUNTERPOINT

From the Felicity episode "Greeks and Geeks"
Originally aired 10/25/2000

FELICITY
You snore.

BEN
I do not snore.

FELICITY
Yes you do.

BEN
No I don't.

FELICITY
Yes you do.

BEN
I do? I snore?

The winner: BEN!

HAIKU #111

Bodies are cities
Our souls yearn for an escape
To the countryside

HAIKU #110

All the world's a stage
But the role of a lifetime
Is to play Batman

HAIKU #109

Avoid fantasies
That involve imagining
An alternate past

LOSING YOU

I can't find myself
I can't find myself
I can't find myself
I'm too busy finding you

I can't feel myself
I can't feel myself
I can't feel myself
I'm too busy feeling you

I can't love myself
I can't love myself
I can't love myself
I'm too busy loving you

I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I'm too busy helping you

I can't hate myself
I can't hate myself
I can't hate myself
I'm too busy hating you

I can't lose myself
I can't lose myself
I can't lose myself
I'm too busy losing you

HAIKU #108

All we see are slaves
So we renounce our freedom
Wanting to fit in

HAIKU #107

This is a surprise
I'm in a tiger's stomach
I like surprises!

#YayImFood

HAIKU #106

That dull world of men
Where no joy or magic lives
You won't find me there

PURR

"Give me your hand"
She says with a purr
I put all my trust in her

"Give me your heart"
She smiles with a hiss
Then she steals it with a kiss

"Give me your soul"
She scratches and growls
Ripping it out with my bowels

HAIKU #105

Bunnies sure are cute!
They sure like to eat carrots!
That sure is healthy!

#ThugLifeMotherfucker

EVEN TONIGHT

Think we're all
Gonna come down
With cabin fever
By tomorrow...
Even tonight

Hope somehow
We'll find courage
By then to deal with
All our sorrow...
Even tonight

If we try
We'll uncover
The wondrous creatures
We still are though...
Even tonight

We'll break free
Of our shackles
And slay our demons...
We can all get
Even tonight

HAIKU #104

When you're a grown-up
You wish all your closest friends
Lived in the same place

HAIKU #103

People need saviors
The problem is most people
Don't want to get saved

ALL SAY

All say what you want to be
It's all for you
It's all for me

All say what you want to try
It's all the truth
It's all a lie

All say what you want to see
We all dissent
We all agree

All say that you want to die
It's understood
We answer "Why?"

All say where you want to go
It's all for real
It's all a show

All say what you want to do
It's insincere
I promise you

All say what you ought to know
I'm modest and
I told you so

All say where to rendezvous
We'll meet again
You'll know it's "Who?"

HAIKU #102

Find the weakest link
Strengthen the shit out of it
Then repeat those steps

ENDORSEMENT 12

I try to only swear once per day. And most days I don't swear at all. Unless I get the opportunity to use Reddi Wip. In which case I rip off my snowsuit and scream like a maniac: "REDDI WIP?! FUUUCK YEAH!!" Then I start crying and spraying it everywhere. Usually this happens in art museums full of small children.

Reddi Wip. Most days I don't swear at all.

HAIKU #101

God makes no mistakes
But those who act in His name
Screw up all the time

HAIKU #100

Death is not the end
It's just part of existence
One of the first parts

GREAT BUSINESS

This is perfect

Don't fuck with it

Dammit

We're bankrupt

HAIKU #99

Happiness or joy?
Happiness is for children
Joy is for adults

HAIKU #98

When you're reclusive
It's hard to meet new people
So you build androids

HAIKU #97

Life's a crashing plane
Secure your oxygen mask
Then assist others

LYING TO A GENIUS

We're but children filled with want
Lost in our illusions
Chasing shadows never caught
Drawn to false conclusions

Anchored in a fantasy
Seasons change before us
Drones awaiting solo verse
Muffled by the chorus

Desperate to impress the horde
Only one shall see us
We're transparent to ourselves
Lying to a genius

HAIKU #96

People crave status
That's why shopping's addictive
You get to judge things

HAIKU #95

Focus on your role
Leave the rest to your teammates
First find the right team

HAIKU #94

When we come alive
We don't care what hour it is
Or what century

TYCOON

How does a train split up?
And make all the stops?
On multiple tracks?

How can one car set out?
Then many appear?
But just one returns?

The public is puzzled
And glued to the news
For clues they won't find

Reporters keep prodding
The pundits are stumped
All scratching their heads

The engineers give up
They're merely decoys
The secret is safe

Alone in its chamber
A mile above Earth
The tycoon lays eggs

HAIKU #93

What would you attempt
If you knew you couldn't fail?
Mostly sex stuff, right?

HAIKU #92

One day kids will learn
Of these days when people could
Safely go outside

#TodayIsThePast

PULL IT OUT OF THE AIR

Everything not physical,

Everything your spirit needs,

All the love you want,

You have.

HAIKU #91

I'm prim and proper
One polite motherfucker
Pardon my language

HAIKU #90

Those with perfect looks
Have less need for inner growth
Beauty is their curse

HAIKU #89

Those aren't distant drums
Nor is there a storm brewing
That's... a dinosaur

HAIKU #88

Under microscopes
We paint in narrow brushstrokes
Missing the canvas

SIDEFACE

Objects without light
Meaning without words
Unacknowledged truths
Neither want nor need

Subjects without sight
Ailing and uncured
Waiting to be wooed
We're the ones that bleed

I'M ONE OF YOU

You know it's true
That I'm one of you
But you never knew

You're one of me

HAIKU #87

Bad things make us bad
Or bad things can make us good
There's always a choice

HAIKU #86

Superman in bed
What could possibly go wrong?
Kryptonite dildos

HAIKU #85

It's the way she moves
There's music in each gesture
Heaven in each breath

DON'T HATE. HIBERNATE.

We eat fruit
We eat fruit
We eat fruit
We eat fruit
We eat fruit
We eat fruit
Feels. Like. Floating.

HAIKU #84

If disadvantaged
Reshape your environment
To your advantage

HAIKU #83

Evil is boring
Selfish and predictable
Good fascinates me

ENDORSEMENT 11

Hey there, honey. Obviously it's me. I know this is like the fifth video I've sent you today, but I don't know how else to reach you since you moved into the backyard and changed all the access combinations on our treehouse. Look, sweetheart, every marriage has its rough patches, but that doesn't mean you have to continue sleeping in the backyard like all the other unhappy housewives in this neighborhood. You've made your statement loud and clear, so why not come inside for a nice cup of Folgers Coffee and see if we can just put this whole mess behind us where it belongs? You may have noticed I'm even playing that Annie Lennox song you like. Enough is enough already. I love you. Let's make up.

Folgers Coffee. Come in from the backyard.

HAIKU #82

Keep moving forward
You can travel anywhere
One step at a time

HAIKU #81

I'll reveal myself
For the right girl to save me
Oops, I meant "shave me"

HAIKU #80

If you see clearly
You'll discover many fools
But no enemies

RED BULL GIVES YOU WINGS

I drink Red Bull
Till I wake up
Till I'm energized

I drink Red Bull
Till I'm giddy
Till my body shakes

I drink Red Bull
Till my gums itch
Till my teeth come loose

I drink Red Bull
Till my face swells
Till my lips fall off

I drink Red Bull
Till my head morphs
Till I grow a beak

I drink Red Bull
Till my skin crawls
Till my feathers sprout

I drink Red Bull
Till my legs shrink
Till I form a tail

I drink Red Bull
Till my arms hurt
Till they turn to wings

I drink Red Bull
Till I panic
Till I fly away

I drink Red Bull
Till I'm soaring
Till I see the world

I drink Red Bull
Till I'm homesick
Till I've flown too far

I drink Red Bull
Till I'm puzzled
Till I lose my way

I drink Red Bull
Till I'm stranded
Till I'm all alone

I drink Red Bull
Till I'm idle
Till my mind decays

I drink Red Bull
Till I'm restless
Till I'm paranoid

I drink Red Bull
Till I'm crazy
Till I'm not myself

I drink Red Bull
Till I'm screaming
Till I make no sense

I drink Red Bull
Till I'm hopeless
Till I'm truly lost

I drink Red Bull
Till I'm rescued
Till I've made new friends

I drink Red Bull
With some pirates
I'm their parrot now

HAIKU #79

You're not what you eat
You are what you think about
Think about good things

HAIKU #78

Animals have sex
Humans should aspire to more
We were made for love

HAIKU #77

Advertisers hunt
Aiming to domesticate
To tame our wild minds

HAIKU #76

We must learn to see
What agony lies beneath
The glamor of sin

HAIKU #75

We're in the city
But there are bears everywhere
Big robotic bears

HAIKU #74

Sometimes sleeping in
Means you're wasting a good day
Other times it's bliss

HAIKU #73

Keep an open mind
You can learn from anyone
Even dumb assholes

HAIKU #72

Those who suffer grow
Those who haven't suffered will
Own your suffering

HAIKU #71

Everyone is flawed
Absolutely everyone
That makes it perfect

HAIKU #70

Children will grow up
People will get old and die
Our souls will stay young

HAIKU #69 | Rated TV-MA

Jack Frost is up north
Jacking off to Game of Thrones
Winter is cumming

HAIKU #68

Why are we alive?
It's to love and to be loved
To know and be known

HAIKU #67

As we flee the scene
We leave our bodies behind
Wanting to get caught

I read recently that the Norwegian title for Die Hard is "Action Skyscraper" and the Polish title for The Terminator is "Electronic Murderer." This makes me wish all my favorite 80s movies had different titles like "Rival Composers," "Fantasy Maze," and "Time Car." Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go make some popcorn and watch that John Hughes classic, "Confident Teenager."

HAIKU #66

Love is innocent
We should love as children do
Without lust or fear

HAIKU #65

We'll change the inside
We're the only ones who can
We're the outsiders

BANQUET

One by one the guests arrive
To this cheap and gaudy dive
Most of them will not survive
They've come here for the banquet

Shamelessly they scan the room
Drawn to that which they'll consume
Unbeknownst to them a tomb
Awaits them at the banquet

Boastfully they chat and dine
Getting drunk off too much wine
Soon enough they shall be mine
Befitting for the banquet

Fattened up without a thought
They've ignored the words He taught
Forfeiting what can't be bought
Their souls to serve the banquet

Out of breath they hit the floor
Gasping for the exit door
That's not what they bargained for
They'll stay to be the banquet

One by one my guests arrive
Through man's sinfulness we thrive
Demons that eat man alive
We feast upon the banquet

HAIKU #64

Nice guys finish last
But in any race that counts
Mean guys don't finish

Lately I've been juggling so many different activities, ironically I've forgotten to keep up with my juggling.

HAIKU #63

All freedom is good
But the power to do things
Doesn't mean we should

HAIKU #62

What if old people
Are secretly Space Lizards
Waiting to attack?

HAIKU #61

We're always searching
For the same forgotten things
We've already found

In today's hyperconnected world with all its distractions, I fear it's not just our playlists but our minds that are on Shuffle.

A person's day—and a person's life—should be fueled by all the thought, intention, and inspiration that go into a great album. The kind you listen to again and again. Instead we're too often adopting the mindset of mainstream radio DJs: bouncing from one thing to the next, hoping to amuse, to stimulate, to kill time without leaving ourselves anything of much substance to ponder or push us to greater heights.

Sure, we sometimes stumble upon something of value, but how often do we bother to internalize these things and take them with us, giving them the time which truly valuable things require to burrow beneath the surface and affect us—to really change us—in a long-lasting and positive way?

It seems to me that a well-lived life has a kind of cumulative quality to it. It is constructed through the process of not just finding good things, but embracing them, examining them and revisiting their goodness regularly while building upon that goodness with ever-more-advanced, ever-more-elusive and nuanced sources of goodness which require the integrity of the previously-embraced goodness to hold them in place, to serve as their foundation.

In this sense, a well-lived life can be thought of as a castle. It is built up and made strong not with rocks, but with all the good things we have the discipline and foresight to carry with us and rediscover with greater depth throughout the years. These are the things that will enhance and fortify our lives—and even themselves and each other—in extraordinary and unforeseen ways if only we allow them the necessary time and breathing room to do so.

But instead of building castles we're skipping stones. Instead of cherishing what's good and patiently learning to unlock all of its hidden and mysterious possibilities, we merely applaud good things for the briefest of moments before tossing them aside to wander off aimlessly on our merry, multitasking way.

When in the presence of something truly good, we should pause and say, "This is good. What can I do with it?" Instead we say, "That was good. What else is there?"

HAIKU #60

Mankind's greatest mind
Assumed the role of the fool
Played to perfection

HAIKU #59

Waking up is hard
What can take the place of dreams?
Bringing them to life

HAIKU #58

Easter's animal
Is the hippopotamus
Or am I confused?

#ChickenMarinara

ENDORSEMENT 10

Hello. My name is German Hezzelneck. I am dance star. Biggest in world. And when I not dancing, I like chew on Peanut and Pretzel M&M. I mix together. Is good. And I no gain the weight because I make so much dancing. Whole world in love with universal language of dancing? Okay. Whole world in love with Peanut and Pretzel M&M? Wow! Truly I am grateful.

Peanut and Pretzel M&M. Is good.

HAIKU #57

Sometimes I give up
Sometimes I conquer the world
Always I love you

HAIKU #56

Feelings fluctuate
They won't give you direction
Morality will

HAIKU #55

We're androgynous
Masculine and feminine
Elegant and strong

LEMONADE

I hope you sell your lemonade
I hope you sell it in the shade
I hope you sell it for a dime
I hope you sell it all the time
I hope you have enough of it
And not some watered-down horseshit
I hope I like your lemonade
Or else you're never getting paid

Fucker

HAIKU #54

Language is guesswork
Our true meanings get obscured
Let's assume the best

ENDORSEMENT 9

Howdy. I'm a cowboy. If you don't believe me, just measure my hat or smell my horse. Nope, you can't fake a cowboy. I'm a true American original. Just like Gold Peak Tea. With its home-brewed taste and mountain-quality freshness, Gold Peak Tea is about as American as a bald eagle playing baseball with an apple pie. And that's almost as American as a cowboy.

Gold Peak Tea. A true American original.

HAIKU #53

Most things you can't change
Focus on the things you can
Starting with yourself

HAIKU #52

If you're sensitive
Don't let mean girls near your junk
They'll say it's "too big"

HAIKU #51

When they disagree
People tend to make statements
We should ask questions

HAIKU #50

More than a TV
When I watch an old movie
It's a time machine

HAIKU #49

When we're quick to judge
We mistake wise men for fools
And our friends for foes

The Social Network was such a good movie. I wish Trent Reznor and Justin Timberlake would do more projects together. #BFFs

HAIKU #48

All people have gifts
No one is without value
Let's all get naked

HAIKU #47

I'm a small town boy
With big city hopes and dreams
Best o' both worlds, y'all!

HAIKU #46

We've undervalued
Innocence and playfulness
In our adult lives

TOWER

They locked me in this tower
To think about my crimes
The tower has a story
I've heard it lots of times

They say when people come here
It plays upon their nerves
That every man who stays here
Will get what he deserves

For me it was a cellmate
In noticeable pain
Who claimed his former cellmate
Had driven him insane

He said this other person
Provoked him day and night
Berating him with insults
And forcing him to fight

I said he could relax now
And set aside those fears
I found some toilet paper
To wipe away his tears

He smiled and said the last man
Was not at all like me
Just then the tower guards came
And said we both were free

My cellmate left before me
Embracing our new fate
I stopped to ask the guards first
About his last cellmate

I asked why such behavior
Was something they'd condone
They said until I came here
My cellmate was alone

They said he'd been a tyrant
Before his time inside
The tower caused his madness
And took away his pride

Through me he learned compassion
The power that it had
My crime had been self-hatred
I learned I'm not so bad

HAIKU #45

Life's a vacation
The trick to enjoying it
Is to pack lightly

HAIKU #44

I'll start a movement
To get rid of useless shit
A bowel movement

#springcleaning

HAIKU #43

Look for open men
When you're getting double-teamed
Not like that, you perv

#marchmadness

ENDORSEMENT 8

Hi. My name is Marco H. Marco. I design high-end women's footwear. And, as you can see, I live on an island. Sure, my lifestyle is lavish and I'm very blessed, but there's one thing I love more than all the runways, mansions, and helicopters combined. And that one thing is Fresca. With its original citrus taste, not to mention zero sugars and caffeine, Fresca is about as smooth and refreshing as a new pair of Marcos on some finely-pedicured Brazilian feet. And that, my beautiful friends, spells "luxury."

Fresca. The sparkling taste... of luxury.

HAIKU #42

God is all around
Keep looking and you'll find Him
Hidden in plain sight

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED INTERVIEW - PREVIEW #1

"How do I get open? I don't know. I've been playin' this game for eighteen years now, and I have no idea how I get open. I'm an athlete. It's my job to do things, not to understand things. If you want somebody who understands things, hire a scientist. Or a librarian. Hire a mechanical engineer for all I care. But I never seen no mechanical engineer get open the way I can. If you ask me, mechanical engineers are ruinin' the game. And that's sayin' a lot, because I don't even know what a mechanical engineer do. Plus I got this new rap song comin' out with Shaq."

HAIKU #41

Orgasm's a gift
It's based on the sense of touch
Porn can't give you that

HAIKU #40

Past does not exist
Present does and can't be changed
Future is for us

HAIKU #39

Two searching soul mates
Dream of each other at night
Centuries apart

ENDORSEMENT 7

Look, I'ma be honest with you cats. I mean, I don't normally do this, right? I mean, I'm a convicted felon, okay? I steal racing cars, ya dig? But okay, check it: Simply Apple juice is simply delicious. It's pure pressed and not from concentrate. I mean, you didn't hear it from me, but it's basically like having an apple orchard in a bottle, yo. And that's straight-up truth, fam. I mean, I'm out on parole so I ain't takin' no chances. Hold up—I'm about to steal me a racing car.

Simply Apple. Pure pressed, not from concentrate.

POINT-COUNTERPOINT-POINT

From the Felicity episode "The Fugue"
Originally aired 3/2/1999

JULIE
It's your swim team group, your new friends—I don't think that they like me.

BEN
You know what? You're nuts, okay? 'Cause they totally like you.

SEAN
I don't think they like her.

The winner: BEN!

HAIKU #38

We're discrete units
Separate and meaningless
Except when we love

MUSIC MAKES ME DANCING!

English is no my first words
But this musics are absurds!
In right ways I feels and moves
On dance floor with none to proves

With drink I become invince
Give to U.S.A. a prince!
Dope is me! Such fresh and clean!
Till make puke on brand new jean

Friends to keep explore the night
Pussy girls get me excite!
We'll do sex and romancing!
Music makes me dancing!

POINT-COUNTERPOINT

From the Felicity episode "Finally"
Originally aired 12/15/1998

FELICITY
Poetry is the greatest.

BEN
Well... Pizza's the greatest.

The winner: BEN!

HAIKU #37

Being sick's not cool
You watch too many movies
Then you feel guilty

HAIKU #36

Being sick is cool
You can watch movies all day
Totally guilt-free

HAIKU #35

Temptation's a crack
In the dam of joyfulness
It lets sorrow through

We tend to think of giving in to temptation as an action we perform—the default is that we do nothing; the action is that we give in. But this is incorrect. When we feel tempted, the mechanism is already in place; the force is already acting upon us. When we give in to temptation, we are no more performing an action than a stone performs an action by falling when the ground gives way beneath it. By giving in to temptation, we exercise no more power of choice than does the falling stone.

Giving in to temptation is the actual default—in doing so we merely submit and are slaves. Resisting temptation is the real action—it is how we exercise our power of choice, how we break our shackles and become truly free.

HAIKU #34

What's this strange planet?
Its ways are foreign to me
Earth is not my home

HAIKU #33

When does life begin?
It's long after conception
Life begins at death

HAIKU #32

Defending the self
Is how we destroy the self
We need to let go

HAIKU #31

Hate can be okay
Sometimes hate is part of love
I hate that outfit

#oscars #bitch

ONLY THE BEST FOR US

Needlessly we overpay for fancy things

Sinking ever deeper into debt

The stress of it is damaging our health

Only the best for us!

HAIKU #30

When you're upside down
The whole world seems upside down
Turn yourself around

HAIKU #29

What are weaknesses
When they can be viewed as strengths?
It's all perspective

ENDORSEMENT 6

Hi. I'm a teenager. And between school, sports, and my girlfriend Linda—Hey Linda!—it can get pretty exhausting. That's why I try to nap whenever I can. I usually only have time for one nap a week, so as much as possible I try to nap on Wednesday. It's pretty much in the middle of the week, and that just sorta makes sense. I don't know. Shut up! I'm horny.

Wednesday. A good day to take a nap.

HAIKU #28

To obey God's rules
You don't sacrifice freedom
You obey by choice

ROLLING STONE INTERVIEW - PREVIEW #1

"I had a gas station sandwich yesterday, for example, so today I'm going to a grocery store proper, or perhaps a restaurant. After all, I wouldn't want to turn around to discover I've become some sort of gas station boy, would I? I don't want to be gawked at as a marvel of gas station science. After advancing so far in this industry, I'd hate to become detached as some exemplar of gas station nutrition. I may never know what I do want, but that's something I try very hard not to want. There are several songs about that on the new record."

GOOD GRADES AREN'T WORTH IT

There was a young boy who had trouble with school
He wasn't the brightest nor was he a fool
Sometimes he would study, but never too hard
He dreaded the day of his next report card

He feared all the things that his parents would say
When they learned his grades were far less than okay
He dreamed up ideas to strengthen his grades
And asked for assistance from his teacher's aids

The first teacher's aid was a girl named Gladice
But she couldn't help 'cause she had piano practice
The second aid was a smart girl named Heather
But she couldn't help 'cause her mom wouldn't let her

The third aid he tried was a big kid named Kirk
But Kirk wouldn't help him 'cause Kirk was a jerk
The last teacher's aid was a hot girl named Lizzy
But she wouldn't help because she was too busy

The boy thought to ask for some help from his buddies
But they were no better than he in their studies
He finally called up his drug-addled teacher
And emailed her too but he just couldn't reach her

The boy got frustrated and smashed up his phone
He said, "This is bullshit! I'll study alone!"
He had been abandoned in his time of need
The only thing left was to sit down and read

He opened a textbook and started to cram
But then slammed the book shut with one mighty slam
"I've got to believe there's an easier way!"
The boy shouted, "I'd sell my soul for an A!"

So wasting no time the boy pulled out his tablet
And went to a few porno sites out of habit
But soon as he finished his shame-filled delay
He put up his soul for auction on eBay

"If this works then I'll get the grades I deserve!"
It seemed like a pretty good plan for the perv
"I'll finally shut up my teacher and 'rents!"
His starting bid price was just ninety-nine cents

"Now I'll fuck shit up till this soul auction ends"
He stole a new phone and he called up his friends
He said, "Let's go play 'cause I don't need to study!
I'd rather get hookers and pound that shit bloody!"

"That sounds like a plan!" his friends said, "How exciting!
A dumb bloody hooker is always inviting!"
And so the boys played till a dumpster was needed
And while they played rough, the soul auction proceeded

The auction went on for another six days
By that time the boy straight-up fiended for A's
He logged on to eBay to check the high bid
To find out if his soul had sold, and it did!

He was so relieved that the auction was done
But lost his shit when he found out who had won
"Oh fuck! What the shit!" he shouted, "How'd HE win?
My soul sold for ninety-nine cents to Satan!"

"How'd this dog shit happen? I'm such a retard!
This fate is far worse than a bad report card!"
The boy stole a crack pipe and smoked himself sick
And out of sheer soullessness cut off his dick

The boy would now make the All 'A' Honor Roll
But he'd do that shit with no dick and no soul
And while he'd no longer have trouble with school
The dickless and soulless boy felt like a fool

He knew when his life was done he'd burn forever
It turned out his little plan wasn't so clever
I'll bet the boy wishes he'd never been born
'Cause good grades aren't worth it - I'm stickin' to porn

HAIKU #27

Like a Greek relic
My body is statuesque
It's falling apart

HAIKU #26

We don't want freedom
What we crave is approval
Our dreams are too small

I'm an explorer of language, beauty, feeling, and thought who expresses myself through poetry. There's no word for what I am.

I'm... a poem-writer guy.

HAIKU #25

Home isn't a place
It's a feeling, an ideal
A hint of heaven

PAJAMA PANTS

When people get married they wear pajama pants
They find them in the formal wear section
With pastel stripes and plaid cargo pockets
They tuck the pants into their shoes

On their honeymoons they migrate to tall buildings
With elevator cars hung from rope
The buildings are unsafe and nearly fall over
All the gray floors look the same

When couples have babies they do it in boxes
Small wooden boxes soaked with rain
The boxes get sealed and shipped to the circus
That's where children grow up

When I get married I'm wearing a cape
The black winter sky will be glowing
Along with my bride I'll escape with a gift
The first human not born on Earth

HAIKU #24

Opposites attract
Filling in each other's blanks
Sometimes with sex toys

<3 Happy Valentine's Day! <3

HAIKU #23

We could choose sadness
But let's choose the opposite
Time to watch Fresh Prince!

HAIKU #22

Burdened by clutter?
Give away one thing each day
Soon there's room to dance

REINCARNATION

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen!
I won't keep you in here all night
The experts have said people live more than once
My research has proven they're right!

As you can see, I've brought my work with me
Please pardon the mess of it all
I hadn't assumed I would need all this chalk
Or that my computers would stall

I'll need to keep working here while I speak
It's all number crunching by now
We'll soon catch a glimpse of the greatest of views
That nature and science allow!

The general premise behind my work
Is that human bodies have souls
I've verified this much through numerous tests
With experimental controls

I've also established that souls live on
Long after their host bodies die
The overall number of souls remains fixed
While bodies themselves multiply

There haven't been new souls in quite some time
It's unclear exactly since when
But certain that souls move from host to new host
I've witnessed it time and again!

A soul joins each body from birth to death
For one human life they're a pair
That soul will then find an unoccupied host
Regardless of who, when, or where

My theories on space-time come into play
The previous models are wrong
I'll get to those details when we have more time
For now let's keep moving along

This current equation concerns our souls
Their number to be more precise
I'm trying to pinpoint how many there are
It's crashed my computers now twice!

Throughout the existence of humankind
Including all future and past
A countable number of lives will occur
That number is certainly vast

But then there's this question regarding souls
Their number's decidedly less
I'm starting to come to the answer at last!
Again, please excuse this whole mess

I'm closing in, ladies and gentlemen!
In moments my work will be done!
If these calculations are all accurate...
The number of souls is just one

HAIKU #21

Where do you belong?
At the center of your life
Using it for good

ENDORSEMENT 5

Hi. I'm an international rap star. And when I'm in the club, I pretty much always need a soup spoon. Either because motherfuckers be frontin' or because motherfuckers be servin' that soup. So if I'm not assaulting yo' flagrant ass for actin' a fool, you can bet I be in the VIP section sippin' hot soup with that stripper you thought was your girl. Either way, don't get it twisted: a soup spoon's got my back for real.

Soup spoons. Keep an eye on her, homey.

PHYSICAL FLAWS

Despite
my
heart's
charity
and
my
mind's
clarity

Physical
flaws
make
the
world
laugh
and
stare at me

HAIKU #20

What we now embrace
Is a primitive function
Of what we now know

HAIKU #19

When you bare your soul
I find no imperfections
I see only you

ENDORSEMENT 4

Oh hey. I didn't see you there. And that's because I wasn't using an incredibly simple yet extraordinary device: my eyes. Nothing complements a moment quite like eyes. Whenever I'm listening to water or feeling the erotic caress of that special someone, I like to enhance the experience by opening my eyes and seeing shit. After all, sight is what gives life meaning. And eyes are what give people sight.

Eyes. Turning everyday moments into shit you can see.

HAIKU #18

Life's a short boat ride
The boat itself matters not
Where it's going does

BEACH

Yay! I'm having fun in the sun!
I like the beach and I like everyone!
I like to swim and I like to run!
I'd like a hot dog and I'd like a bun!

Hey! I see an out-of-place bear!
I like the way it escaped from the fair!
I like its teeth and I like its stare!
I'd like to try to approach it with care!

Say! Am I the only one here?
I like the way everyone fled in fear!
I think the moment is finally near!
Bears attack me at the beach every year!

ENDORSEMENT 3

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Vitafusion Calcium Gummy Vitamins. They put the "yum" in calciyum.

HAIKU #17

Children are selfish
Grown-ups must transcend the self
That's why we grow up

HAIKU #16

We choose our future
It can either be a pit
Or a mountaintop

ENDORSEMENT 2

Old Italian Mother: Why do you want to drink root beer all your life? There's a whole world out there.

Defiant Son: Ma, I don't care about the world! Just let me drink my root beer!

Old Italian Mother: Oh, I suppose you're right.

The son is right. The world will wait. But root beer? Well, root beer is delicious. And it doesn't matter which brand you drink. Because when it comes to root beer, you can't go wrong.

Root beer. Forget about the world.

HAIKU #15

What's happening now?!
We're slaves to current events
Let's seek timelessness

HAIKU #14

Welcome to heaven!
Wait, you only loved yourself?
Burn in hell, fucker!

HAIKU #13

You put me at ease
Torments dissipate through you
You're my lullaby

MERE MEN

What do we mean when we say "we"?
Do we mean you? Do we mean me?
Do we mean additional men? All three?
Do we mean all men who have been or will be?

What do you mean when you say "you"?
Do you mean me? If not me, who?
Do you mean additional men? You do?
Do you mean all men within earshot or view?

What do I mean when I say "I"?
I must mean me! Will this "me" die?
Is "me" a mere body or spirit on high?
Or something too lofty for men to reply?

ENDORSEMENT 1

Silk PureAlmond almond milk is so good it actually makes me brave. When I'm drinking Silk PureAlmond, especially the vanilla flavor, I'm no longer afraid of death. And, what's infinitely more important, I'm no longer afraid of life. Plus it has 50% more calcium than dairy milk. And that means I'm even getting brave where it matters most: in my bone.

Silk PureAlmond almond milk. It makes a believer... out of me!