GOOD GRADES AREN'T WORTH IT

There was a young boy who had trouble with school
He wasn't the brightest nor was he a fool
Sometimes he would study, but never too hard
He dreaded the day of his next report card

He feared all the things that his parents would say
When they learned his grades were far less than okay
He dreamed up ideas to strengthen his grades
And asked for assistance from his teacher's aids

The first teacher's aid was a girl named Gladice
But she couldn't help 'cause she had piano practice
The second aid was a smart girl named Heather
But she couldn't help 'cause her mom wouldn't let her

The third aid he tried was a big kid named Kirk
But Kirk wouldn't help him 'cause Kirk was a jerk
The last teacher's aid was a hot girl named Lizzy
But she wouldn't help because she was too busy

The boy thought to ask for some help from his buddies
But they were no better than he in their studies
He finally called up his drug-addled teacher
And emailed her too but he just couldn't reach her

The boy got frustrated and smashed up his phone
He said, "This is bullshit! I'll study alone!"
He had been abandoned in his time of need
The only thing left was to sit down and read

He opened a textbook and started to cram
But then slammed the book shut with one mighty slam
"I've got to believe there's an easier way!"
The boy shouted, "I'd sell my soul for an A!"

So wasting no time the boy pulled out his tablet
And went to a few porno sites out of habit
But soon as he finished his shame-filled delay
He put up his soul for auction on eBay

"If this works then I'll get the grades I deserve!"
It seemed like a pretty good plan for the perv
"I'll finally shut up my teacher and 'rents!"
His starting bid price was just ninety-nine cents

"Now I'll fuck shit up till this soul auction ends"
He stole a new phone and he called up his friends
He said, "Let's go play 'cause I don't need to study!
I'd rather get hookers and pound that shit bloody!"

"That sounds like a plan!" his friends said, "How exciting!
A dumb bloody hooker is always inviting!"
And so the boys played till a dumpster was needed
And while they played rough, the soul auction proceeded

The auction went on for another six days
By that time the boy straight-up fiended for A's
He logged on to eBay to check the high bid
To find out if his soul had sold, and it did!

He was so relieved that the auction was done
But lost his shit when he found out who had won
"Oh fuck! What the shit!" he shouted, "How'd HE win?
My soul sold for ninety-nine cents to Satan!"

"How'd this dog shit happen? I'm such a retard!
This fate is far worse than a bad report card!"
The boy stole a crack pipe and smoked himself sick
And out of sheer soullessness cut off his dick

The boy would now make the All 'A' Honor Roll
But he'd do that shit with no dick and no soul
And while he'd no longer have trouble with school
The dickless and soulless boy felt like a fool

He knew when his life was done he'd burn forever
It turned out his little plan wasn't so clever
I'll bet the boy wishes he'd never been born
'Cause good grades aren't worth it - I'm stickin' to porn