HAIKU #30
When you're upside down
The whole world seems upside down
Turn yourself around
Friday, February 28, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
ENDORSEMENT 6
Hi. I'm a teenager. And between school, sports, and my girlfriend Linda—Hey Linda!—it can get pretty exhausting. That's why I try to nap whenever I can. I usually only have time for one nap a week, so as much as possible I try to nap on Wednesday. It's pretty much in the middle of the week, and that just sorta makes sense. I don't know. Shut up! I'm horny.
Wednesday. A good day to take a nap.
Hi. I'm a teenager. And between school, sports, and my girlfriend Linda—Hey Linda!—it can get pretty exhausting. That's why I try to nap whenever I can. I usually only have time for one nap a week, so as much as possible I try to nap on Wednesday. It's pretty much in the middle of the week, and that just sorta makes sense. I don't know. Shut up! I'm horny.
Wednesday. A good day to take a nap.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Saturday, February 22, 2014
ROLLING STONE INTERVIEW - PREVIEW #1
"I had a gas station sandwich yesterday, for example, so today I'm going to a grocery store proper, or perhaps a restaurant. After all, I wouldn't want to turn around to discover I've become some sort of gas station boy, would I? I don't want to be gawked at as a marvel of gas station science. After advancing so far in this industry, I'd hate to become detached as some exemplar of gas station nutrition. I may never know what I do want, but that's something I try very hard not to want. There are several songs about that on the new record."
"I had a gas station sandwich yesterday, for example, so today I'm going to a grocery store proper, or perhaps a restaurant. After all, I wouldn't want to turn around to discover I've become some sort of gas station boy, would I? I don't want to be gawked at as a marvel of gas station science. After advancing so far in this industry, I'd hate to become detached as some exemplar of gas station nutrition. I may never know what I do want, but that's something I try very hard not to want. There are several songs about that on the new record."
Friday, February 21, 2014
GOOD GRADES AREN'T WORTH IT
There was a young boy who had trouble with school
He wasn't the brightest nor was he a fool
Sometimes he would study, but never too hard
He dreaded the day of his next report card
He feared all the things that his parents would say
When they learned his grades were far less than okay
He dreamed up ideas to strengthen his grades
And asked for assistance from his teacher's aids
The first teacher's aid was a girl named Gladice
But she couldn't help 'cause she had piano practice
The second aid was a smart girl named Heather
But she couldn't help 'cause her mom wouldn't let her
The third aid he tried was a big kid named Kirk
But Kirk wouldn't help him 'cause Kirk was a jerk
The last teacher's aid was a hot girl named Lizzy
But she wouldn't help because she was too busy
The boy thought to ask for some help from his buddies
But they were no better than he in their studies
He finally called up his drug-addled teacher
And emailed her too but he just couldn't reach her
The boy got frustrated and smashed up his phone
He said, "This is bullshit! I'll study alone!"
He had been abandoned in his time of need
The only thing left was to sit down and read
He opened a textbook and started to cram
But then slammed the book shut with one mighty slam
"I've got to believe there's an easier way!"
The boy shouted, "I'd sell my soul for an A!"
So wasting no time the boy pulled out his tablet
And went to a few porno sites out of habit
But soon as he finished his shame-filled delay
He put up his soul for auction on eBay
"If this works then I'll get the grades I deserve!"
It seemed like a pretty good plan for the perv
"I'll finally shut up my teacher and 'rents!"
His starting bid price was just ninety-nine cents
"Now I'll fuck shit up till this soul auction ends"
He stole a new phone and he called up his friends
He said, "Let's go play 'cause I don't need to study!
I'd rather get hookers and pound that shit bloody!"
"That sounds like a plan!" his friends said, "How exciting!
A dumb bloody hooker is always inviting!"
And so the boys played till a dumpster was needed
And while they played rough, the soul auction proceeded
The auction went on for another six days
By that time the boy straight-up fiended for A's
He logged on to eBay to check the high bid
To find out if his soul had sold, and it did!
He was so relieved that the auction was done
But lost his shit when he found out who had won
"Oh fuck! What the shit!" he shouted, "How'd HE win?
My soul sold for ninety-nine cents to Satan!"
"How'd this dog shit happen? I'm such a retard!
This fate is far worse than a bad report card!"
The boy stole a crack pipe and smoked himself sick
And out of sheer soullessness cut off his dick
The boy would now make the All 'A' Honor Roll
But he'd do that shit with no dick and no soul
And while he'd no longer have trouble with school
The dickless and soulless boy felt like a fool
He knew when his life was done he'd burn forever
It turned out his little plan wasn't so clever
I'll bet the boy wishes he'd never been born
'Cause good grades aren't worth it - I'm stickin' to porn
There was a young boy who had trouble with school
He wasn't the brightest nor was he a fool
Sometimes he would study, but never too hard
He dreaded the day of his next report card
He feared all the things that his parents would say
When they learned his grades were far less than okay
He dreamed up ideas to strengthen his grades
And asked for assistance from his teacher's aids
The first teacher's aid was a girl named Gladice
But she couldn't help 'cause she had piano practice
The second aid was a smart girl named Heather
But she couldn't help 'cause her mom wouldn't let her
The third aid he tried was a big kid named Kirk
But Kirk wouldn't help him 'cause Kirk was a jerk
The last teacher's aid was a hot girl named Lizzy
But she wouldn't help because she was too busy
The boy thought to ask for some help from his buddies
But they were no better than he in their studies
He finally called up his drug-addled teacher
And emailed her too but he just couldn't reach her
The boy got frustrated and smashed up his phone
He said, "This is bullshit! I'll study alone!"
He had been abandoned in his time of need
The only thing left was to sit down and read
He opened a textbook and started to cram
But then slammed the book shut with one mighty slam
"I've got to believe there's an easier way!"
The boy shouted, "I'd sell my soul for an A!"
So wasting no time the boy pulled out his tablet
And went to a few porno sites out of habit
But soon as he finished his shame-filled delay
He put up his soul for auction on eBay
"If this works then I'll get the grades I deserve!"
It seemed like a pretty good plan for the perv
"I'll finally shut up my teacher and 'rents!"
His starting bid price was just ninety-nine cents
"Now I'll fuck shit up till this soul auction ends"
He stole a new phone and he called up his friends
He said, "Let's go play 'cause I don't need to study!
I'd rather get hookers and pound that shit bloody!"
"That sounds like a plan!" his friends said, "How exciting!
A dumb bloody hooker is always inviting!"
And so the boys played till a dumpster was needed
And while they played rough, the soul auction proceeded
The auction went on for another six days
By that time the boy straight-up fiended for A's
He logged on to eBay to check the high bid
To find out if his soul had sold, and it did!
He was so relieved that the auction was done
But lost his shit when he found out who had won
"Oh fuck! What the shit!" he shouted, "How'd HE win?
My soul sold for ninety-nine cents to Satan!"
"How'd this dog shit happen? I'm such a retard!
This fate is far worse than a bad report card!"
The boy stole a crack pipe and smoked himself sick
And out of sheer soullessness cut off his dick
The boy would now make the All 'A' Honor Roll
But he'd do that shit with no dick and no soul
And while he'd no longer have trouble with school
The dickless and soulless boy felt like a fool
He knew when his life was done he'd burn forever
It turned out his little plan wasn't so clever
I'll bet the boy wishes he'd never been born
'Cause good grades aren't worth it - I'm stickin' to porn
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
PAJAMA PANTS
When people get married they wear pajama pants
They find them in the formal wear section
With pastel stripes and plaid cargo pockets
They tuck the pants into their shoes
On their honeymoons they migrate to tall buildings
With elevator cars hung from rope
The buildings are unsafe and nearly fall over
All the gray floors look the same
When couples have babies they do it in boxes
Small wooden boxes soaked with rain
The boxes get sealed and shipped to the circus
That's where children grow up
When I get married I'm wearing a cape
The black winter sky will be glowing
Along with my bride I'll escape with a gift
The first human not born on Earth
When people get married they wear pajama pants
They find them in the formal wear section
With pastel stripes and plaid cargo pockets
They tuck the pants into their shoes
On their honeymoons they migrate to tall buildings
With elevator cars hung from rope
The buildings are unsafe and nearly fall over
All the gray floors look the same
When couples have babies they do it in boxes
Small wooden boxes soaked with rain
The boxes get sealed and shipped to the circus
That's where children grow up
When I get married I'm wearing a cape
The black winter sky will be glowing
Along with my bride I'll escape with a gift
The first human not born on Earth
Friday, February 14, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Monday, February 10, 2014
REINCARNATION
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen!
I won't keep you in here all night
The experts have said people live more than once
My research has proven they're right!
As you can see, I've brought my work with me
Please pardon the mess of it all
I hadn't assumed I would need all this chalk
Or that my computers would stall
I'll need to keep working here while I speak
It's all number crunching by now
We'll soon catch a glimpse of the greatest of views
That nature and science allow!
The general premise behind my work
Is that human bodies have souls
I've verified this much through numerous tests
With experimental controls
I've also established that souls live on
Long after their host bodies die
The overall number of souls remains fixed
While bodies themselves multiply
There haven't been new souls in quite some time
It's unclear exactly since when
But certain that souls move from host to new host
I've witnessed it time and again!
A soul joins each body from birth to death
For one human life they're a pair
That soul will then find an unoccupied host
Regardless of who, when, or where
My theories on space-time come into play
The previous models are wrong
I'll get to those details when we have more time
For now let's keep moving along
This current equation concerns our souls
Their number to be more precise
I'm trying to pinpoint how many there are
It's crashed my computers now twice!
Throughout the existence of humankind
Including all future and past
A countable number of lives will occur
That number is certainly vast
But then there's this question regarding souls
Their number's decidedly less
I'm starting to come to the answer at last!
Again, please excuse this whole mess
I'm closing in, ladies and gentlemen!
In moments my work will be done!
If these calculations are all accurate...
The number of souls is just one
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen!
I won't keep you in here all night
The experts have said people live more than once
My research has proven they're right!
As you can see, I've brought my work with me
Please pardon the mess of it all
I hadn't assumed I would need all this chalk
Or that my computers would stall
I'll need to keep working here while I speak
It's all number crunching by now
We'll soon catch a glimpse of the greatest of views
That nature and science allow!
The general premise behind my work
Is that human bodies have souls
I've verified this much through numerous tests
With experimental controls
I've also established that souls live on
Long after their host bodies die
The overall number of souls remains fixed
While bodies themselves multiply
There haven't been new souls in quite some time
It's unclear exactly since when
But certain that souls move from host to new host
I've witnessed it time and again!
A soul joins each body from birth to death
For one human life they're a pair
That soul will then find an unoccupied host
Regardless of who, when, or where
My theories on space-time come into play
The previous models are wrong
I'll get to those details when we have more time
For now let's keep moving along
This current equation concerns our souls
Their number to be more precise
I'm trying to pinpoint how many there are
It's crashed my computers now twice!
Throughout the existence of humankind
Including all future and past
A countable number of lives will occur
That number is certainly vast
But then there's this question regarding souls
Their number's decidedly less
I'm starting to come to the answer at last!
Again, please excuse this whole mess
I'm closing in, ladies and gentlemen!
In moments my work will be done!
If these calculations are all accurate...
The number of souls is just one
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
ENDORSEMENT 5
Hi. I'm an international rap star. And when I'm in the club, I pretty much always need a soup spoon. Either because motherfuckers be frontin' or because motherfuckers be servin' that soup. So if I'm not assaulting yo' flagrant ass for actin' a fool, you can bet I be in the VIP section sippin' hot soup with that stripper you thought was your girl. Either way, don't get it twisted: a soup spoon's got my back for real.
Soup spoons. Keep an eye on her, homey.
Hi. I'm an international rap star. And when I'm in the club, I pretty much always need a soup spoon. Either because motherfuckers be frontin' or because motherfuckers be servin' that soup. So if I'm not assaulting yo' flagrant ass for actin' a fool, you can bet I be in the VIP section sippin' hot soup with that stripper you thought was your girl. Either way, don't get it twisted: a soup spoon's got my back for real.
Soup spoons. Keep an eye on her, homey.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
Sunday, February 2, 2014
ENDORSEMENT 4
Oh hey. I didn't see you there. And that's because I wasn't using an incredibly simple yet extraordinary device: my eyes. Nothing complements a moment quite like eyes. Whenever I'm listening to water or feeling the erotic caress of that special someone, I like to enhance the experience by opening my eyes and seeing shit. After all, sight is what gives life meaning. And eyes are what give people sight.
Eyes. Turning everyday moments into shit you can see.
Oh hey. I didn't see you there. And that's because I wasn't using an incredibly simple yet extraordinary device: my eyes. Nothing complements a moment quite like eyes. Whenever I'm listening to water or feeling the erotic caress of that special someone, I like to enhance the experience by opening my eyes and seeing shit. After all, sight is what gives life meaning. And eyes are what give people sight.
Eyes. Turning everyday moments into shit you can see.
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