HAIKU #228
Heart of fearlessness
Spirit of exploration
Guide us through life's storm
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
BATMAN v OPTIMUS PRIME: A REVIEW
By Perry Twinkle
Last weekend I was in for a big surprise at the Pennycraft Theatre. The reason I was surprised is because when I purchased my movie ticket I honestly thought I was signing up for a carpentry class. Instead, I'm told I was among the first to see the big new movie Batman v Optimus Prime: Dawn of Just Dance. Supposedly it's the first in a series of superhero street-dancing movies. Whatever. The characters and acting in this one were atrocious, and that's if I'm being generous. The only exception was Mr. Freeze, played brilliantly by an almost-unrecognizable Ernie Johnson (Inside the NBA). But as bad as the rest of the cast was, the dialogue was somehow even worse. For example, I was confused by Lois Lane's repeated use of the term "hot balls." As in, "Go ahead, Superman, but building a water slide in the backyard isn't exactly my cup of hot balls." To make matters worse, Galvatron constantly misused the word "literally" and downright abused the word "cereal." As in, "This wedding rehearsal is literally a train wreck. I am dead cereal." That's an actual line from the movie! To be fair, I'm not familiar with that character. But he is a giant, sinister-looking robot and he sounded like my obnoxious tweenage niece Abigail. (OMG. Hi, Abigail, if you're reading this!) Although most of the performances were unwatchable at best, this may have been in part due to the casting. I had trouble believing Superman or Batman, played respectively by Daniel Dae Kim (Hawaii Five-0) and an over-the-hill Joe Perry (Aerosmith). Furthermore, I disagreed with the decision to portray Lois Lane in CGI, even if she was voiced by the usually-fabulous Allison Williams (Peter Pan Live!). As a final note/complaint, are we really supposed to believe that NO ONE would recognize Optimus Prime when he takes off his glasses to "transform" into Truck-Man? I don't mean to sound like an enormous B-word, but that part was just dumb. All in all, I suppose the movie could have been worse. But it also could have been a lot better. It certainly wasn't worth the $160 I paid to see it. If you want my advice, stick to adult ed community classes no matter what the ticket vendors tell you. I know I will!
D-
By Perry Twinkle
Last weekend I was in for a big surprise at the Pennycraft Theatre. The reason I was surprised is because when I purchased my movie ticket I honestly thought I was signing up for a carpentry class. Instead, I'm told I was among the first to see the big new movie Batman v Optimus Prime: Dawn of Just Dance. Supposedly it's the first in a series of superhero street-dancing movies. Whatever. The characters and acting in this one were atrocious, and that's if I'm being generous. The only exception was Mr. Freeze, played brilliantly by an almost-unrecognizable Ernie Johnson (Inside the NBA). But as bad as the rest of the cast was, the dialogue was somehow even worse. For example, I was confused by Lois Lane's repeated use of the term "hot balls." As in, "Go ahead, Superman, but building a water slide in the backyard isn't exactly my cup of hot balls." To make matters worse, Galvatron constantly misused the word "literally" and downright abused the word "cereal." As in, "This wedding rehearsal is literally a train wreck. I am dead cereal." That's an actual line from the movie! To be fair, I'm not familiar with that character. But he is a giant, sinister-looking robot and he sounded like my obnoxious tweenage niece Abigail. (OMG. Hi, Abigail, if you're reading this!) Although most of the performances were unwatchable at best, this may have been in part due to the casting. I had trouble believing Superman or Batman, played respectively by Daniel Dae Kim (Hawaii Five-0) and an over-the-hill Joe Perry (Aerosmith). Furthermore, I disagreed with the decision to portray Lois Lane in CGI, even if she was voiced by the usually-fabulous Allison Williams (Peter Pan Live!). As a final note/complaint, are we really supposed to believe that NO ONE would recognize Optimus Prime when he takes off his glasses to "transform" into Truck-Man? I don't mean to sound like an enormous B-word, but that part was just dumb. All in all, I suppose the movie could have been worse. But it also could have been a lot better. It certainly wasn't worth the $160 I paid to see it. If you want my advice, stick to adult ed community classes no matter what the ticket vendors tell you. I know I will!
D-
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Monday, March 21, 2016
ENDORSEMENT 15
A lot of people ask me what type of motherfucker I am. And I say, "I don't know. A tropical paradise motherfucker?" And they say, "Yo. I don't think that's a type of motherfucker." So I say, "Okay. Maybe, like, a sunset beach resort type of motherfucker? What about that?" And they say, "Absolutely not." So I'm like, "Okay. Why don't you just tell me what types of motherfucker you have heard of?" And they're like, "Honestly, I don't feel comfortable tellin' you that shit." So I'm like, "You know what? Fuck y'all. If it's gonna be like that, I'm stickin' with my original answer."
Tropical Paradise Motherfucker. That's a type of motherfucker.
A lot of people ask me what type of motherfucker I am. And I say, "I don't know. A tropical paradise motherfucker?" And they say, "Yo. I don't think that's a type of motherfucker." So I say, "Okay. Maybe, like, a sunset beach resort type of motherfucker? What about that?" And they say, "Absolutely not." So I'm like, "Okay. Why don't you just tell me what types of motherfucker you have heard of?" And they're like, "Honestly, I don't feel comfortable tellin' you that shit." So I'm like, "You know what? Fuck y'all. If it's gonna be like that, I'm stickin' with my original answer."
Tropical Paradise Motherfucker. That's a type of motherfucker.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Friday, March 18, 2016
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
AS THEY LEAVE
She's Japanese
She loves the sea
She watches sailors
As they leave
She lays beneath
The evergreens
And dreams
Herself to sleep
She loves the sea
She's Japanese
She sucks off sailors
On her knees
She prays beneath
The evergreens
For love
That she can keep
She's Japanese
She loves the sea
She sleeps with sailors
For a fee
She plays beneath
The evergreens
While wives
And mothers weep
She's Japanese
She loves the sea
She watches sailors
As they leave
She lays beneath
The evergreens
And dreams
Herself to sleep
She loves the sea
She's Japanese
She sucks off sailors
On her knees
She prays beneath
The evergreens
For love
That she can keep
She's Japanese
She loves the sea
She sleeps with sailors
For a fee
She plays beneath
The evergreens
While wives
And mothers weep
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