HAIKU #900

The end of one thing

Is the start of another

Goodbye and hello!

HAIKU #899

Socializing is

For building relationships

Not one's own ego

HAIKU #898

Let's stay in and watch

A Hallmark Christmas movie

Those things are sick, bro

HAIKU #897

Jesus is the light

That has overcome darkness

For all who consent

HAIKU #896

If you're going bald

The best Christmas present is

A lifelike merkin

HAIKU #895

No matter your age

You're still in development

Not unlike a child

HAIKU #894

There's nothing quite like

The idiotic thrill of

Cutting your own hair

HAIKU #893

The best way to live

Is with curiosity

And humility

HAIKU #892

Missing a workout

By only a day or two

Doesn't matter much

HAIKU #891

When faced with a lack

Of institutional trust

Systems collapse, bruh

HAIKU #890

Criticism should

Always be offered with love

To help someone grow

HAIKU #889

Jesus Christ deserves

Likes, retweets, new followers

And constant trending

HAIKU #888

Truly great people

Take the time to go online

And post a haiku

HAIKU #887

The best question is

How do we live our best lives

From this point forward?

HAIKU #886

Soccer is most fun

When you're with a lot of friends

From other countries

HAIKU #885

It's wise to give thanks

Because there's always something

To be thankful for

HAIKU #884

Jordan Peterson

Has a cultlike following

And that is "NAWT GOOD!"

HAIKU #883

The best friends are those

Who can see you at your worst

And it's no big deal

HAIKU #882

No more excuses

I'm making a pop album

Starting tomorrow

HAIKU #881

Beautiful people

Are often influential

Even when they're dumb

HAIKU #880

It's truly backwards

That some people think free speech

Hurts democracy

HAIKU #879

Hate has love in it

The real opposite of love

Is Jake Gyllenhaal

HAIKU #878

I'm fairly certain

I can figure out how to

Eclipse Taylor Swift

HAIKU #877

If you love someone

But your love is self-absorbed

Then it isn't love

HAIKU #876

Without a good heart

The head and the appetite

Conspire to your doom

HAIKU #875

When I was a kid

They said I was too skinny

To write poetry

HAIKU #874

Shakespeare said it best:

A rose with a fucked-up name

Would still be sweet, bro

HAIKU #873

I don't watch baseball

Unless it's playoff baseball

And drinks are involved

HAIKU #872

What are clouds made of?

I'm pretty sure no one knows

They sure look soft though

HAIKU #871

One way evil works

Is by making us want things

That won't satisfy

HAIKU #870

Being an artist

Sometimes means making bad art

Because you like it

HAIKU #869

A moral compass

That is based on your feelings

Will lead you astray

HAIKU #868

Who can decipher

The poetry of your ass?

That poetic ass

HAIKU #867

Social media

Can be a powerful tool

If used for haiku

HAIKU #866

As children of God

We were not made for this world

It was made for us

HAIKU #865

The way to watch sports

Is with curiosity

Not desired outcome

HAIKU #864

It's a good practice

To trim your nose hairs before

Seeing the dentist

HAIKU #863

When you play Boggle

You learn lots of obscure words

That should not exist

HAIKU #862

I was advised to

See my life through cowboy eyes

Now I'm like, "Yeehaw"

HAIKU #861

Preseason football

Is about as meaningful

As a you-know-what

HAIKU #860

The haiku format

Forces one to be succinct

Which I think is good

HAIKU #859

I don't have time for

Sad songs lamenting lost loves

I want future bounce

HAIKU #858

Make your COVID work

By pairing its symptoms with

A vintage ascot

HAIKU #857

Thanks to Gen Z slang

I can say today's breakfast

Is high-key bussin'

HAIKU #856 (free version w/ ads)

The more you know God

—Today's sponsor is Fitbit!—

The more you trust God

HAIKU #855

Each present moment

Should be framed by a "best of"

Drawn from past moments

HAIKU #854

It might be a stretch

To say that I *am* hip hop

But it might not be

HAIKU #853

The hole in my heart

Is the same size and shape as

An umbrella drink

HAIKU #852

During photo shoots

Act like each prop is a food

You're about to bite

HAIKU #851

Faith is all you need

Works are a built-in feature

As wetness to rain

HAIKU #850

It feels good to get

Attention on Twitter from

My burner account

HAIKU #849

Those who argue well

Often have an openness

To opposing views

HAIKU #848

My new snack of choice

Is honey roasted peanuts

Mixed with pretzel sticks

HAIKU #847

Inspiration comes

Not steadily, but in waves

Giant sexy waves

HAIKU #846

It's weird how often

Weather apps say it won't rain

As it starts raining

HAIKU #845

You will lose less stuff

If your pockets have zippers

And you're not too drunk

HAIKU #844

Improving your life

Means in certain areas

Raising your standards

HAIKU #843

The USFL

Is the Unnecessary

Summer Football League

HAIKU #842

Bad choices get made

When we think of what we'll gain

And not what we'll lose

HAIKU #841

Unlike in the past

When I hear "Cotton Eye Joe"

Now I lose my shit

HAIKU #840

Nothing makes me scared

Except watching Tom Cruise climb

The Burj Khalifa

HAIKU #839

Happy Father's Day!

Even to the non-fathers

Especially me

HAIKU #838

My Twitter inbox

Is filling up with fan mail

From Dua Lipa

HAIKU #837

The savvy drinker

Takes his time with a glass of

Diet Mountain Dew

HAIKU #836

If robots attack

At least they can't use magic

Oh shit! I was wrong!

HAIKU #835

I'm an alien

Pretending to be human

When I feel like it

HAIKU #834

Productivity

Begins with an idea

Which you then make real

HAIKU #833

Hate is a strong word

But not a strong thing to do

Hating makes you weak

HAIKU #832

It's fun when shadows

Get insanely fucking long

Right before sunset

HAIKU #831

I'm falling apart

Self-absorbed, believing lies

I'm society

HAIKU #830

How can anyone

Think it's evil to protect

The lives of babies?

HAIKU #829

Today is the day

Happy Mother's Day Eve, bro!

Holidays are tight

HAIKU #828

Those who are depressed

Think too much about themselves

Instead of fun stuff

HAIKU #827

Actual virtue

Is incompatible with

Virtue signaling

HAIKU #826

It's downright surreal

How many Americans

Are scared of free speech

HAIKU #825

Surrounding yourself

With people who think the same

Atrophies your mind

HAIKU #824

A common mistake

Is to think cheerful people

Must have easy lives

HAIKU #823

There are certain words

That I get by fine without

For instance, "germane"

HAIKU #822

Beautiful people

Have the potential to spread

The most ugliness

HAIKU #821

Father in heaven

Cast out from me all darkness

And fill me with light

HAIKU #820

Poetic outbursts

Go hand in hand with madness

March Madness, forsooth!

HAIKU #819

Topless modeling

Turns out to be a good way

To make twelve dollars

HAIKU #818

Demons are good at

Persuading people to be

Impressed with sad shit

HAIKU #817

Want more poetry?

Subscribe to my OnlyFans

Just in time for Lent!

HAIKU #816

Negativity

Is the dumbest thing ever

Smile and do your best!

HAIKU #815

In a lot of ways

I feel like my life on Earth

Is just beginning

HAIKU #814

Magic's in the air

It can only mean one thing

It's Presidents' Day!

HAIKU #813

As the ruling class

Tries to crush the working class

Folks are waking up

HAIKU #812

Sad songs make me sad

So I don't listen to them

I prefer smiling

HAIKU #811

There are some mornings

When instead of EDM

I play folk metal

HAIKU #810

Hell dwells on the past

To rob you of the present

Heaven looks forward

HAIKU #809

Being incorrect

Is not the same as lying

Intentions matter

HAIKU #808

It's weird how sadness

Makes it feel so amazing

To pig out on junk

HAIKU #807

Love doesn't give up

It perseveres joyfully

Mending what's broken

HAIKU #806

It's good for your health

To sometimes block out the world

And dance your ass off

HAIKU #805

Life is confusing

So try to be lighthearted

And learn as you go

HAIKU #804

It's validating

When people agree with you

But you don't learn much

HAIKU #803

You don't have a soul

That's because you ARE a soul

You HAVE a body

HAIKU #802

Any daunting task

Is a series of small tasks

That are not daunting

HAIKU #801

We owe it to kids

To teach them proper spelling

Cuz they da future